SO HOW DO YOU WANT TO GO? DOUBLE-DECKER BUS? TEN-TON TRUCK?
Concussed by a coconut.

WHICH OF YOUR SONGS PLAY IN HEAVEN?
"Satan Rejected My Soul."

AND WHICH ONE PLAYS IN HELL?
"I Have Forgiven Jesus."

WHAT BOOK DO YOU REGRET NOT FINISHING?
The Toilets Are Closed in Your Honour, an account of the life of Cressida Dick, assistant commissioner of London's Metropolitan Police.

WHILE ALIVE, WHAT DID YOU SPEND MOST OF YOUR MONEY ON?
Legal fees.

WHO IN YOUR LIFE WOULD YOU HAVE MOST LIKED TO "KICK IN THE EYE"?
That meat-fed horror Jamie "'Orrible" Oliver. If he's a master chef, then I'm Miss Brazil 1970.

WHAT WILL BE YOUR GREATEST LEGACY?
Thundering suavity.

ANY REGRETS ABOUT BEING OUTSPOKEN?
Whatever I said, I meant.

WHEN WERE YOU HAPPIEST?
At age 12 I could juggle a plate on a stick.

NAME ONE THING YOU'RE GLAD YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO DO AGAIN ON EARTH.
It will be worth being dead just to get away from Victoria Beckham.

WHAT'S THE WILDEST THING YOU EVER DID WHILE YOU WERE ALIVE?
I took some swimming lessons at the local baths.

WHAT'S YOUR LAST MEAL?
The disease of smallness - tea and toast.

DO YOU HAVE A DEATHBED CONFESSION?
I've never seen myself naked. It seemed impolite to look.

TO WHOM WOULD YOU WHISPER YOUR LAST GOODBYE?
To my very best friend... myself.